Iraq: It took my best friend

The nightmares and the short fits of flashbacks rip at my sternum and keep me up tonight. The vivid memories of a mission long passed rush through my mind recklessly. I ask myself each day if there was more I could have done to save them, to prevent the pain and sadness. On this day in april of 2008 in Iraq I lost the one best friend I ever had in this world and a very dear friend also (Sgt. Adam Kohlhaas and Sgt Steven Christofferson Killed In Action). I was there for every terrifying moment, every gruesome realization and every haunting smell and feeling.

Sgt Adam J. Kohlhaas and Sgt Steven Christofferson with Iraqi Child KIA, April 21st, 2008, Bayji, Iraq

The one feeling I have been battling with for the past few years is guilt and shame. The guilt was for my lack of action although I did everything I could humanly, possibly do, I felt like I could have done more for some reason, as if I was some kind of field surgeon when all I was an infantry soldier.

The shame was very similar, in that I felt loathsome of myself for not being there for Adam and Steven. I remember ever faint attempt to revive him and every grain of sand on adams face. I remember the glazed expression on Steven’s face when I found him dead, reaching out for the sky as he laid , torn in half on this lonely road in Iraq. The shame that it should have been me and the guilt that it also still should have been me still drives me into deep depressions that would have, without my loved ones, killed me years ago in a few failed attempts at redemption.

I am where I am thanks to the moments after their deaths and the years that followed were my time to mold my life into the blessing it is now: A wife, a home, a loving family, and all the help the VA hospital can give. They are alway in my heart and I will make sure to continue the best I can with my life to make them proud of me. All my love goes to their parents and sibling on this day of remembrance and honor. With this quote I leave you and thank you for your time. ” The brave die never, though they sleep in dust: Their courage nerves a thousand living men” (Minot J Savage)

4 thoughts on “Iraq: It took my best friend

  1. Thank you for honoring your friends by sharing this and by choosing love every day in the wake of this horrible tragedy. Thank you for your service. Keep talking and keep writing.

  2. And we are much safer now they tell us. Huh? (Iraq, Afg) 6,500 dead, 60,000 returning amputees, and 400,000 with chronic mental and physical and disease related disabilities. My condolences. 4 fellows from my graduating class of 1967 at North Miami Senior High did not return from Vietnam.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s